I have come to the realization that most of my life has been coerced. I have been programmed to protect the image of the family (as a child and an adult) without any regard to my own well being.
As a child our family doctrine was; work cause there ain’t no free ride, speak when I tell you to, no tears – that’s a sign of weakness, suck it up, it is unacceptable to fail, do not embarrass the family, and never ever tell the family’s business. I guess you can tell it wasn’t the most pleasant childhood. (read the TIMELINE part 1 https://yourinvisibletouch.wordpress.com/2015/01/26/time-line-part-1/ )
As an adult I was told “if you sleep with dogs, you’re gonna get fleas”, I divorced that mutt. Next I hear “you made your bed, so lay in it”, 32 years later I’m still wallowing in the sheets.
In marriage the family (his) doctrine is; work cause there still ain’t no free ride, speak freely (just don’t piss off the drunk) but I really don’t want to hear it, no tears – cause I don’t want to see it, do not embarrass me, and never ever tell the family’s business. Well now you know how my adult life is going. (read DRINK ON ME https://yourinvisibletouch.wordpress.com/2015/01/31/drink-on-me/ )
I have spent years trying to be pleasing for others with my words and actions (family, friends, co-workers). I’ve become a fantastic mask master – even in my writing. I edit constantly to soften the harsh truth, still going back to the family doctrine embedded in my head. Maybe I am trying to protect myself, still looking for acceptance, love, and care – or maybe it’s the judgment from people I fear – I’m not sure. This I know; maintaining a happy disposition that everyone wants to see and believe is possible – but look at the cost. (read I SEE ME https://yourinvisibletouch.wordpress.com/2015/02/06/i-see-me/ )
So, what’s the point?
Life is short, none of us are guaranteed another day. I’m tired of walking on egg-shells – I need to know that there is a life out there free from mental torment, shame, embarrassment, and pain. Tonight I want to get in bed with no regrets from lies and deception. Now tell me – is that too much to ask?
Oh well, for now I think I’ll just keep writing for my life – plain, simple, and from the heart.